What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
