What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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