Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
