bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
