I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize