We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
