Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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