I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
