i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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