The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
