Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
