I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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