Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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