She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
