I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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