wanna go halves on a baby?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
