we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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