I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
