I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
