theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
