I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
