??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
