ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize