Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
