Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
