if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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