would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hippo gnu deer
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize