Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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