my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
