Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize