I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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