Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
