Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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