So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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