party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
