Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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