nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
