It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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