She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
