there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We just shotgunned beers for America
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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