totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
