I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
