I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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