I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
