So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
