no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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