Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize