everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
