i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize