The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
