I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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