I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
