I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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