She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
