Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
