If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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