She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
