My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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