when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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