"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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